I'm so fucking centered right now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
