then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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