plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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