my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
