Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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