I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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