the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
