Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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