hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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