Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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