You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
