stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
