We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
