can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
