The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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