70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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