Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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