Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
