Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
