u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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