the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm getting married
To pizza
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
