I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
