i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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