You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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