We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
