i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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