he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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