I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
