We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Crop dusting thru forever 21
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
