He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
