masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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