Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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