I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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