you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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