life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
