just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
