just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
