i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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