Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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