I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
