critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
