The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
