Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
