I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
