You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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