i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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