I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
