DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
