dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
