we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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