i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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