I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
